Being Needed

Last week, I made the decision (on the advice of a friend) to step away from the boat meditation. In doing so, I also decided to step back from other things as well. I have been spending time taking a long look at the overall picture, and thinking even more about those patterns of consolation and desolation this friend had asked me to revisit. There is much that I have begun to see; much that I suspect was always there, but I overlooked. Perhaps I was too focused on the details, too busy analyzing the messages as I mentioned in the previous post. Or perhaps, I just didn’t need to see it until now!

I decided to limit the amount of my reading to just those items that seemed to be drawing my attention - the ones I needed to be reading. I continued with my daily Sacred Space meditation book, and the reading for the Faith Matters class at church (Consoling the Heart of Jesus, by Father Michael Gaitley). I also briefly started the reading for the next Spiritual Book Club meeting in June (No Man Is An Island, by Thomas Merton) - which will eventually take up several blog entries on its own (I haven’t even made it past the first chapter yet!)

There were several themes that have been running through all of these readings. I am trying very hard not to analyze the connections, to just step away and let them happen - and to see where they might be leading me. The subject of this particular blog; and most likely the next several to come; is one of these themes - the idea of need.

I have always seemed to be in a position of being needed. I’m sure it comes from the fact that I am the oldest of 7 children, a wife and mother, and an elementary teacher by trade. It has been a source of blessing as well as frustration (consolation and desolation). It has helped me to thrive and grow, but has also caused me to sometimes become overwhelmed by responsibilities. Being the one whom others can count on, rely on, and come to, has always been a very natural part of who I am. I am a “people oriented person” who finds joy in doing things for others.

In looking at the patterns of events in which someone has needed me, both recently (see post God's Bazinga!) and over the past few years, I began to see much of this as definite consolation. A sense of peace, of fulfillment, of pleasure; in being able to help solve a problem, make a situation better, provide relief or simply offer friendship. It was more than just a “warm fuzzy,” but was in fact a sense of true joy that continues to grow each time I encounter one of these situations.

Then I began to look at those circumstances that did not give me that same sense of joy. These were more of a chore, a task, something I found myself trying hard to avoid. When I looked more closely, I found that what I had thought was someone needing me, was not really that at all! It was me deciding that I was needed - to change a situation, to make something better, to solve a problem; all of course what I thought was for the best.

In using the principles of consolation and desolation, I have been able to begin to see how parts of my life; events, circumstances, interactions; fit into those two very distinct categories. In looking at things in this way, I am hoping to allow myself to be led to those things that I am truly needed to do; being able to help solve a problem, make a situation better, provide relief or simply offer friendship. It is then that I will hopefully be further along on my journey toward finding out what God is trying to do with my life - using me in the way He needs to, and not the other way around. There is so much more to come - I really do need to blog more often! Perhaps what is needed is another one of my nights that become my mornings. Funny how I actually look forward to those now!