Smile, you're a sinner :)

So, here is another simple, yet meaningful post! This is one that came to me during Sunday Mass this past weekend, when once again I found myself grinning from beginning to end! That reminded me of this quote from Blessed Mother Teresa - one of my favorites; the person and the photo! I posted this as the new cover photo on my FaceBook page Sunday evening.

That made me think about all of the reasons I have to smile, so I looked through my photos for some of the ones that show me doing just that. I found plenty!

 
Then (coincidence, I think not!) I took a look at FaceBook late Monday night. Our pastor had mentioned this in a post this weekend - 

Did you ever notice that at the beginning of every Catholic Mass we acknowledge our sins? It’s as though I’m at a Twelve-Step meeting and stand up to say, “Hi, I’m Bill and I’m a sinner.” I look around and see that I’m not alone and I can find strength in the shared grace that allows us not to be consumed by our sins. Father, Son, and Spirit smile in seeing us together as they are.  Smile if you’re a sinner too: we are Church precisely to help each other!

God is good - and has shown once again that He certainly does have a great sense of humor! I'm still smiling just thinking about it; and I'm pretty sure I heard another "BAZINGA" :)

I Needed....

I don't often take the time to think about what it is that I need. To be quite honest, most times I am not even really sure of what those things are - beyond of course the basic day to day "stuff" that we all find important. Every so often though, something will happen that just provides a very clear message of just how vulnerable I can be. 

Recently, I caused something negative to happen. The situation that resulted was not life threatening or dangerous, and no one was injured in any way. It was a major inconvenience for several people, and a huge blow to my self-esteem. People who needed me were let down, and I could not move beyond my own feeling of inadequacy and the resulting embarrassment. I felt physically ill, and totally humiliated.

What I needed was the reassurance that it was ok to have made such a major error. What I needed was to be told that despite the fact that people needed to deal with the fallout, things would be back to normal very quickly, and all would be well again. What I needed was just someone to tell me that I wasn't a "loser," and give me some kind words of encouragement.

Several people did just that, in a quiet sort of way. It was those words and interactions that helped me to feel somewhat better. However, there were others whose words were not so kind. They were words of sarcasm, words reminding me how inconvenienced these folks would be, words that reminded me just how much I had let them down.

I needed to rely on the consolation/desolation teaching to not return to that dark place I found myself in the last time I encountered such a negative blow. Fortunately I am now well-armed to deal with such an event! Before I felt so completely wiped out, I remembered to focus on what I truly needed, and how it had been received from the majority of the people affected. In my Sacred Space reading this week, one of the thoughts to ponder is about conversation. It says: "The gift of speech is a wonderful gift. May I use this gift with kindness. May I be slow to utter harsh words, hurtful words, and words spoken in anger."  I pray that I can use this lesson as a reminder to use my words the way they are needed to be used in the situations I encounter. 

Another favorite song ran through my head in the days following the mess I found myself in (which has been cleaned up by the way!) At the risk of being repetitive, I am sharing another music video with you here - enjoy!

 

 

Being Needed

Last week, I made the decision (on the advice of a friend) to step away from the boat meditation. In doing so, I also decided to step back from other things as well. I have been spending time taking a long look at the overall picture, and thinking even more about those patterns of consolation and desolation this friend had asked me to revisit. There is much that I have begun to see; much that I suspect was always there, but I overlooked. Perhaps I was too focused on the details, too busy analyzing the messages as I mentioned in the previous post. Or perhaps, I just didn’t need to see it until now!

I decided to limit the amount of my reading to just those items that seemed to be drawing my attention - the ones I needed to be reading. I continued with my daily Sacred Space meditation book, and the reading for the Faith Matters class at church (Consoling the Heart of Jesus, by Father Michael Gaitley). I also briefly started the reading for the next Spiritual Book Club meeting in June (No Man Is An Island, by Thomas Merton) - which will eventually take up several blog entries on its own (I haven’t even made it past the first chapter yet!)

There were several themes that have been running through all of these readings. I am trying very hard not to analyze the connections, to just step away and let them happen - and to see where they might be leading me. The subject of this particular blog; and most likely the next several to come; is one of these themes - the idea of need.

I have always seemed to be in a position of being needed. I’m sure it comes from the fact that I am the oldest of 7 children, a wife and mother, and an elementary teacher by trade. It has been a source of blessing as well as frustration (consolation and desolation). It has helped me to thrive and grow, but has also caused me to sometimes become overwhelmed by responsibilities. Being the one whom others can count on, rely on, and come to, has always been a very natural part of who I am. I am a “people oriented person” who finds joy in doing things for others.

In looking at the patterns of events in which someone has needed me, both recently (see post God's Bazinga!) and over the past few years, I began to see much of this as definite consolation. A sense of peace, of fulfillment, of pleasure; in being able to help solve a problem, make a situation better, provide relief or simply offer friendship. It was more than just a “warm fuzzy,” but was in fact a sense of true joy that continues to grow each time I encounter one of these situations.

Then I began to look at those circumstances that did not give me that same sense of joy. These were more of a chore, a task, something I found myself trying hard to avoid. When I looked more closely, I found that what I had thought was someone needing me, was not really that at all! It was me deciding that I was needed - to change a situation, to make something better, to solve a problem; all of course what I thought was for the best.

In using the principles of consolation and desolation, I have been able to begin to see how parts of my life; events, circumstances, interactions; fit into those two very distinct categories. In looking at things in this way, I am hoping to allow myself to be led to those things that I am truly needed to do; being able to help solve a problem, make a situation better, provide relief or simply offer friendship. It is then that I will hopefully be further along on my journey toward finding out what God is trying to do with my life - using me in the way He needs to, and not the other way around. There is so much more to come - I really do need to blog more often! Perhaps what is needed is another one of my nights that become my mornings. Funny how I actually look forward to those now!

Step Away and Stow the Boat!

As I mentioned in a previous post (Boats, Courage, Generosity), what seemed to be an easy assignment in the development of my spiritual life truly was not. I was busy looking into many details, analyzing thoughts that came my way as I read, looking for connections to all of those concepts and trying to figure out where I was supposed to be headed. On Tuesday morning, I sent an email request for some guidance and was given this advice -
 
Step away from the boat for a little bit. Sometimes over-thinking can be an obstacle to prayer. Remember that prayer is God's work, not our work, and when we're working too hard or thinking too hard or trying too hard, that's not God at work. Our prayer makes sense when we place it within the patterns of consolation and desolation.   
  
On Wednesday evening I had another one of my "nights turning into mornings," and spent most of the time contemplating the advice that had been passed on to me. I had been keeping a sheet of note paper in my Bible to mark the Matthew 14 reading, intending to eventually use the thoughts here in my blog. As I read over what I had written, before stowing the paper into another spot in my office to pull out at a later time, I saw the pattern!

Here, exactly from those notes, is how it went - 

4/25 - Jesus made them get into the boat because he didn't want them to miss out on something important. What am I missing?
4/27 - Courage - I need to have the courage to allow Jesus to guide me. I need to rely more on him to take the lead.
5/11 - Jesus went off by himself to pray; he was there alone - regular quiet time has been missing from my days for almost 2 weeks; need to return to this time of contemplation!
5/12 - Fourth watch - NAB (my Catholic Bible translation) notes time period between 3-6am; have been waking up around 2:30 every day this week, but going back to sleep - maybe I should try to stay awake and use the time in prayer?
5/13 - Peter challenges Jesus; asking him to prove that it was him walking on the water - have I been "challenging" Jesus by not giving everything over to his control? I am still hanging on to things, hoping they will go "my way"

I obviously missed the greater message by allowing myself to get so caught up in the details of figuring things out. I have not yet given up control, nor have I been willing to let God lead me (which also means that even though I thought I was, I really wasn't listening!) So, I am stepping away and stowing the boat for now. I have turned my attention to just letting God decide for me, (rather than me deciding for Him), which way this new contemplation will take me.

Bottom line, as I was told on Tuesday - I am going to stop trying so hard, and let God take the lead! This morning, I spent time just quietly meditating on things that I have most recently found as consolation. The time with wonderful friends last evening, newly answered prayers, and wise advice from a holy priest. It may still become a storm-tossed ride, but now more than ever, I am determined to just be the passenger!

Learn more about St. Ignatius and his principles of consolation and desolation at this link    Ignatian Spirituality

A Simple Post About Blessings

This latest post is far from my own original thought, but for me is powerful. Blessings, by Laura Story, has been in my head for over a week now. I know there are many reasons for its' being stuck there, but the one I have been dwelling on lately is pictured here with me. She is a blessing that has come to me through raindrops. Another simple post, but one that is moving my heart right now. Blessings as you listen and ponder the lyrics!

 

Go deep, not far...not particularly the best advice while in a boat!

Matthew 14:22 - Then he made the disciples get into the boat....

If you have been following my most recent rambling, you know from a previous post that instead of an entire chapter in a particular book of the Bible to ponder and study until my next spiritual direction meeting, I was given only 12 verses (Matthew 14:22-33 to be exact). Because it is so short, I have been reading through the entire section all at once. My morning quiet time became a bit more limited as the week progressed. I ended up having to put it aside to concentrate on other things that needed my attention. I continued to read through my daily meditation book (the next post subject!), but kept running out of time to get everything else in before leaving for the day. 

On my way home from school just a day or so ago, I realized once again that the boat was just too important to ignore - something to be said for long red lights crossing Route 15! That evening, I made time to pull out my Bible and read over this story again. However, I was stopped halfway through the first verse (verse 22). The verb became something more active, more powerful, more thought provoking. It began to take me deeper (which is what I was supposed to have been doing all along).

The word is made. I checked several other familiar translations, just to see if the same word is used. It is. Not only that, but the King James version uses the word constrained. The definition of constrain is "to force by imposed stricture or limitation, to secure."

Jesus didn't ask them; he didn't suggest that they get into that boat. He made them get in.

Why did he do that? I believe it was because something amazing was about to happen. Something so incredible that it would change their way of thinking, their way of living, their way of believing - and he didn't want any of them to miss out on that experience. Jesus needed them to be in that place, at that time.

In my Bible (New American Bible, Catholic Translation), there is a reference note for verse 31 - O you of little faith... This notation refers to disciples of Christ whose faith is not as deep as it should be. Father Robert Barron, in a portion of his Catholicism video series, which was shown as part of our adult evening classes at my parish, made the comment that "when Jesus gets into your boat, you know he's going to take you out into deep water." That advice has been presented to me several times in the past year - go deep, not far in your prayer and meditation.

Now, just how do I pull this all together, or at least begin to try to? Has Jesus decided that it's time to make me get into my boat? Is there something that he wants to be sure that I see; that he doesn't want me to miss? Something that will change my way of thinking, my way of living, my way of believing? I know that I am one of the "you of little faith" - a disciple whose faith is there, but not nearly as deep as it could or should be. 

I know the challenge I have been given is to go deep, not far. To do that, I need to start out in the boat. The problem is going to come when Jesus asks me to step out of it. You see, I truly do have a rather intense fear of deep water. Perhaps that's why I was also told to beg God for the grace of courage!

Catholicism Video Series 

So did you hear the one about.....

In my last post, I mentioned God's "sense of humor" showing through very quickly after being told to think about what was in my boat. While I am certainly no scripture scholar, I'm pretty sure that there is no specific mention of the Lord playing practical jokes. I do believe though, that He enjoys just a little teasing once in a while (refer to "God's Bazinga" posted earlier) Here is another example to support my theory.

The morning after my boat conversation, our parish was hosting a mini-retreat. The speaker was wonderful; the morning very rewarding for everyone who attended. I was really feeling that the faith community had been drawn closer, simply by coming together. Near the end of the presentation, the speaker related a story of his trip to the Holy Land. He mentioned visiting the

Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem - and being privileged to see a small chapel not normally open to the public. On one of the walls is a carving of a boat - with the inscription "Lord we shall go"- you can read more at the links I've posted here!

Boat Carving Forges Precious Bond 
Church of the Holy Sepulchre 



And, the humor continues! After returning home, I was finally able to go outside to "play in the dirt" to begin prepping my veggie garden. I started digging up and pulling the weeds that had quickly been taking over already. I decided to look at the bright side, and began thinking about my boat challenge again. After all, the reference from earlier in the day sort of made it seem important. As I was using the shovel to pull out the dandelions, I began thinking about how deep the roots of these plants were. And, the fact that even though they were colorful, and taste pretty good with the right hot bacon dressing, they are still in fact weeds. Then I recalled how silly it was that the dandelion was not even a plant native to our country. They had been carried from Europe on.....wait a minute.....ships! Sailors would actually have barrels of them planted on board ship, and eat the leaves and flowers to help prevent scurvy! OK - twice in the same day....this boat thing really might be important.

On Sunday, I didn't need to be at church until the 11:00 Mass. I am an early riser, even when I don't have to be, so I decided to get started on the next read for our new Spiritual Book Club. I made my coffee, then pulled the book out of the box I had just received from Amazon. Apparently this whole idea about boats really is the direction I am supposed to be headed in!

Honestly, I'm still not sure exactly what it is I am supposed to be thinking about. I'm really not sure how I should even begin to start answering that question; what's in your boat? Am I looking for an answer as to what I want in there, or what I need to get rid of and leave behind? How does that relate to asking for the graces of courage and generosity? As I mentioned in the previous post, I believe I am being lead somewhere important. God's sense of humor is just the beginning of a journey in my boat that could end up either storm tossed or on a placid sea. Either way, I guess it's where He wants me to be. I just hope I don't get too seasick along the way!