Go deep, not far...not particularly the best advice while in a boat!

Matthew 14:22 - Then he made the disciples get into the boat....

If you have been following my most recent rambling, you know from a previous post that instead of an entire chapter in a particular book of the Bible to ponder and study until my next spiritual direction meeting, I was given only 12 verses (Matthew 14:22-33 to be exact). Because it is so short, I have been reading through the entire section all at once. My morning quiet time became a bit more limited as the week progressed. I ended up having to put it aside to concentrate on other things that needed my attention. I continued to read through my daily meditation book (the next post subject!), but kept running out of time to get everything else in before leaving for the day. 

On my way home from school just a day or so ago, I realized once again that the boat was just too important to ignore - something to be said for long red lights crossing Route 15! That evening, I made time to pull out my Bible and read over this story again. However, I was stopped halfway through the first verse (verse 22). The verb became something more active, more powerful, more thought provoking. It began to take me deeper (which is what I was supposed to have been doing all along).

The word is made. I checked several other familiar translations, just to see if the same word is used. It is. Not only that, but the King James version uses the word constrained. The definition of constrain is "to force by imposed stricture or limitation, to secure."

Jesus didn't ask them; he didn't suggest that they get into that boat. He made them get in.

Why did he do that? I believe it was because something amazing was about to happen. Something so incredible that it would change their way of thinking, their way of living, their way of believing - and he didn't want any of them to miss out on that experience. Jesus needed them to be in that place, at that time.

In my Bible (New American Bible, Catholic Translation), there is a reference note for verse 31 - O you of little faith... This notation refers to disciples of Christ whose faith is not as deep as it should be. Father Robert Barron, in a portion of his Catholicism video series, which was shown as part of our adult evening classes at my parish, made the comment that "when Jesus gets into your boat, you know he's going to take you out into deep water." That advice has been presented to me several times in the past year - go deep, not far in your prayer and meditation.

Now, just how do I pull this all together, or at least begin to try to? Has Jesus decided that it's time to make me get into my boat? Is there something that he wants to be sure that I see; that he doesn't want me to miss? Something that will change my way of thinking, my way of living, my way of believing? I know that I am one of the "you of little faith" - a disciple whose faith is there, but not nearly as deep as it could or should be. 

I know the challenge I have been given is to go deep, not far. To do that, I need to start out in the boat. The problem is going to come when Jesus asks me to step out of it. You see, I truly do have a rather intense fear of deep water. Perhaps that's why I was also told to beg God for the grace of courage!

Catholicism Video Series 

So did you hear the one about.....

In my last post, I mentioned God's "sense of humor" showing through very quickly after being told to think about what was in my boat. While I am certainly no scripture scholar, I'm pretty sure that there is no specific mention of the Lord playing practical jokes. I do believe though, that He enjoys just a little teasing once in a while (refer to "God's Bazinga" posted earlier) Here is another example to support my theory.

The morning after my boat conversation, our parish was hosting a mini-retreat. The speaker was wonderful; the morning very rewarding for everyone who attended. I was really feeling that the faith community had been drawn closer, simply by coming together. Near the end of the presentation, the speaker related a story of his trip to the Holy Land. He mentioned visiting the

Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem - and being privileged to see a small chapel not normally open to the public. On one of the walls is a carving of a boat - with the inscription "Lord we shall go"- you can read more at the links I've posted here!

Boat Carving Forges Precious Bond 
Church of the Holy Sepulchre 



And, the humor continues! After returning home, I was finally able to go outside to "play in the dirt" to begin prepping my veggie garden. I started digging up and pulling the weeds that had quickly been taking over already. I decided to look at the bright side, and began thinking about my boat challenge again. After all, the reference from earlier in the day sort of made it seem important. As I was using the shovel to pull out the dandelions, I began thinking about how deep the roots of these plants were. And, the fact that even though they were colorful, and taste pretty good with the right hot bacon dressing, they are still in fact weeds. Then I recalled how silly it was that the dandelion was not even a plant native to our country. They had been carried from Europe on.....wait a minute.....ships! Sailors would actually have barrels of them planted on board ship, and eat the leaves and flowers to help prevent scurvy! OK - twice in the same day....this boat thing really might be important.

On Sunday, I didn't need to be at church until the 11:00 Mass. I am an early riser, even when I don't have to be, so I decided to get started on the next read for our new Spiritual Book Club. I made my coffee, then pulled the book out of the box I had just received from Amazon. Apparently this whole idea about boats really is the direction I am supposed to be headed in!

Honestly, I'm still not sure exactly what it is I am supposed to be thinking about. I'm really not sure how I should even begin to start answering that question; what's in your boat? Am I looking for an answer as to what I want in there, or what I need to get rid of and leave behind? How does that relate to asking for the graces of courage and generosity? As I mentioned in the previous post, I believe I am being lead somewhere important. God's sense of humor is just the beginning of a journey in my boat that could end up either storm tossed or on a placid sea. Either way, I guess it's where He wants me to be. I just hope I don't get too seasick along the way!

Boats, Courage, Generosity..... Just where am I heading now?

A few days ago, I had my latest appointment for spiritual direction. The meeting was insightful as usual, but in a different sort of way. I talked about my feeling of being drawn to cultivating community, to broadening friendships and relationships, and how integral the life of my parish of Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton was becoming to my own.

Instead of an entire chapter in a particular book of the Bible to ponder and study until the next meeting, I was given only 12 verses (Matthew 14:22-33 to be exact). This is the familiar story of Jesus walking across the water, and Peter giving it a try, but failing out of fear. I was challenged to think about what's in my boat, and to pray for the "double graces" of courage and generosity. As I left, I didn't really think too much about what my pondering, thinking, reading, praying, etc. was going to look like in the coming weeks. (Little did I know that God's "sense of humor" was going to begin showing itself the very next day!)

Over the last few days in particular, I have begun to realize that this "assignment" is going to take a lot more work than it seemed on the surface. I decided that the best thing to do would be to get as much down in writing as I can to try to keep things connected and at least somewhat organized. I should have started sooner, but hindsight is always 20-20! Thoughts and events are happening already that I believe are leading me somewhere important. I have a feeling that what I may learn about myself is going to be more detailed and deeper than any of the previous meditations. I'm far from knowing whether it will be something small and quiet, or big and bold. Either way, I am looking forward to finding out! It hasn't even been underway for a week yet, but it is already becoming quite an interesting trip! Stay tuned if you're interested - I'm due for one of those "nights that become mornings" soon, which will give me lots of time to blog!

Somewhere, Over the Rainbow...

This past weekend, I had the joy of attending my Godson's acting debut. Collin played a Munchkin in The Wizard of Oz at Lancaster Catholic High School. 

I've known his family forever! His grandparents are Godparents to both of my sons. His mommy and daddy are like my own children. His little brothers round out the family, and are a joy to behold as well. I am so blessed to have them in my life!

My Glimpse of Grace this week so far.... just check out these photos! My easiest post so far!

Not sure just what he was thinking here!

The sweetest little moment after the show.

Ryan was a little clingy - so meet "Daddy Jim"

Logan is a 6 month old darling.

When My Nights Become My Mornings

At least 3 or 4 times a month, I find myself wide awake and unable to sleep. My nights creep by and eventually just become my mornings. Not long ago, I would be upset and extremely frustrated when I felt this "event" begin to happen - I can always sense them coming you see. Now however, I have learned to embrace them.  I spend the time in quiet contemplation, meditation, and prayer. I sometimes do other things at the same time, like clearing off my desk or blogging!  I can ponder and think through situations at the same time - a double blessing!

Just yesterday, my night became my morning for the first time this month. During those late hours of last night and early hours of today, I had three very particular prayer intentions to focus on. There were three people who each play a very important part in my life that I knew needed prayer, each of them for a very different reason. Two of them had not specifically asked for my prayer, but they got it anyway!

I actually had 3 glimpses of grace today. Each of those people called me this afternoon. Two of them shared with me the way in which the problem they had been facing was being solved! The solutions have not yet been completely finalized, but are well underway! I let them know about my "night becoming morning," and reminded them of something I always say when I know the real reason for the gift they have received. It was a great feeling to hear them both say - "I know...." before the reminder was even completely spoken. The third phone call was less specific, but the caller sounded much less stressed, and stated that it had been a good day.

When I hung up from that third call, I began to realize the gifts I had received by praying for each of them. Grace had come over me during those hours of quiet, and returned again later today in those three phone calls. I had the privilege of praying for three people who play very important roles in the life of the person I am becoming. Their responses to me were beautiful spiritual gifts. It almost makes me look forward to the next time my night becomes my morning - but hopefully only after I've had at least one good night's sleep!

Cultivating Community (compost included!)

For several weeks now, actually since the beginning of Lent, I have been slowly working my way through Jeremiah 29. This book contains a well known verse, one which is actually on the cover of a journal a dear friend gave to me as a Christmas gift. It is verse 11, and goes like this - "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope." I have been slowly finding that there is so much more to this particular book than just that familiar verse.

As I have been reading and contemplating its' meaning, I have been drawn to a variety of thoughts and ideas, (and so far I have only made it to the end of verse 19). God has sent his people into exile, with instructions on what to do while they are there. He asks the people to plant gardens and eat their fruits, and to increase in number. The verse that I have been reflecting on this week is number 7 - "Promote the welfare of the city to which I have exiled you; pray for it to the Lord, for upon its welfare depends your own." 

We need to cultivate a life of dignity and devotion in the city in which we find ourselves right now, in this present moment. Our families, our neighborhoods, our workplaces, even our churches. Our life, our welfare depends on the strength of the city in which we are serving our "exile" here on earth. The community in which we find ourselves needs to be a flourishing one. It is a community that, just like my gardens, need to be nurtured and cultivated.

This week I have spent time with a group of fellow exiles. We have grown together in friendship as we have gathered to learn more about our faith. We have shared stories of our lives, our struggles, our fears, our joys. We are beginning to know each other more deeply, and are cultivating a flourishing little city of God. We come from different geographic communities, but are united in one faith community. We are learning to accept that while we may only be able to do small things, we can do them well to help that community grow. 

I am so glad to have a part in cultivating this community. My strength, my personal growth, my sense of peace comes from the support of this community. So, while I am cultivating (and composting) my gardens in the next few weeks, I will be working at cultivating a thriving faith community as well. For upon its welfare depends my own!

 

From the Windowsill

It is finally one of my favorite times in the year - Spring has arrived! A bit later than usual, but here just the same. I absolutely love having the windows open! The fresh air, the sound of the birds singing, the sun filtering through the curtains all have a way of refreshing and energizing my soul for the day ahead. This morning, I was able to spend my time reading and praying in front of one of these open windows. It was then that I realized "someone" else in the house was sharing my joy.

My son's cat - Jasmine - seems to love open windows as much as I do (perhaps even more!) Once she had her obligatory treat and morning attention from me, she spent quite a bit of time moving from room to room looking for the open windows. Jasmine went from the back of the couch, to her official perch attached to my small office window, to the windowsill in my bedroom. She finally decided to linger on this one. As I finished getting ready for my day, I thought about how content she seemed to be. She watched the birds flitting between the pines in the yard, and paid no attention to my activity. Her tail flicked slowly back and forth, and she seemed to just be watching, enjoying, taking in the beauty of the morning.

In a recent conversation with my spiritual director, I talked about how my morning routine was being interrupted. I had been getting up extra early (5:00), and even looked at the fact that I could function all day and not become tired as a particular grace that I had been granted. But soon, things began to get in the way. The early morning became a rush to get through my reading, my prayers, my quiet meditation, before it could all be disturbed. My special time alone had become a source of stress, not peace. It was suggested that I change the routine, start my "alone time" later in the morning. Perhaps, I was told, I should not try to get to work so early, as had been my routine. Perhaps, I was told, God was trying to tell me that everything would still be there for me to do, whether I arrived at 7:00 or at 8:00. 

I began changing my routine the very next morning, and found that special peace again! The house is quiet and calm. I no longer feel the need to rush off to work (and yes, the building is still standing when I arrive at 8:00 instead of 7:00), and I am much better prepared to face my day. So this morning, I spent some extra time enjoying the world from my windowsill (one I wasn't sharing with Jasmine). The slight breeze is still blowing, the birds are still singing, the sun is still filtering through the curtains. God has spoken to the quiet of my heart, and given me my strength for the day. I have spent time in quiet with my dear Friend, and know that He has enjoyed my company as well.

As for Jasmine, she has already moved on to her spot by the sliding door downstairs.

God's "Bazinga"

I had planned to start my "official" blog with a review of things that have transpired, in an orderly fashion, to bring about a change that is still working in my life. I wanted to define the word grace, and list chronologically the events, the meetings, the "coincidences" that have been a part of what I had termed my "Glimpses of Grace." My plan was to pull out all of the little scraps of paper that I started writing on over a year ago, to find the notes in my mediation books, to relate how people entered my life at certain points to make a difference. But, God had other plans for me today! So - out of order, not in the way that I had intended at all - here is my first "official blog post."

BAZINGA - The Urban Dictionary defines this word as "a catchy phrase to accompany your clever pranks." It is an overused word made popular by one of my favorite TV shows (I really only watch 1 or 2 with any regularity, and Big Bang Theory is one of those). Today, I experienced God's bazinga!

I am someone who normally has a calendar of events organized fairly far into the future. There are, after all, only a few things that I particularly look so forward to that everything else gets put aside - a visit from my kids being the most special! Recently, things that I have really been looking forward to have been attempting to become part of that calendar - only to find the space already taken because someone else needs me to be somewhere, or do something for them. Now please understand, that I do not mind in the least doing for others. It has always been a natural part of who I am, and I very rarely feel myself inconvenienced or put upon.

I found myself quite sullen this past week - thinking, why can't I do what I want?  I try hard to be a good person, why won't the things I want to do just plain work out for me? When do I get to do things just for me? As I finished my morning prayer, sulking despite it, I decided to email my spiritual director. My plan was to gather my thoughts, and send a detailed email asking for some "online direction." My mood was quickly returning to a darkened place that I have been to many times, and really like to avoid! What happened this afternoon - before I could send that particular email - was my "Glimpse of Grace" for today!

My sulking this morning went this way:
(names have been ****ed  to protect the innocent!)

I can't do Divine Mercy Sunday because ***** needs me in ***** this weekend.

I can't do School of Leaders next Saturday because ***** needs me to see him in *****.

I can't spend time with ****** next weekend either because ***** needs me to be at another event.

I can't be at the first "Grace Uncorked" event in May because ***** needs me to be in NJ that weekend.

Now, I subscribe to a service called Daily Catholic Quotes. It is emailed out every morning, but for some reason today's came this afternoon. It is a quote from Saint Martin de Tours (which happens to be the name of the church my son and his wife were married in almost 2 years ago!) Here is today's quote -

"Lord, if your people need me, I will not refuse the work. Your will be done."

And God should have just added - BAZINGA! Needless to say, my spiritual director got off easy!

And so it begins...finally, sort of!

More than a year ago, I found myself in a very dark place. Events had unfolded in my life that were not particularly new. Things were said that had been said before and ignored. However, this time they struck me in a very personal, physical, and emotional way. This time, I just couldn't let things go, just couldn't ignore the pain. This time it was real, and scary. It was as if my world had been turned upside down. There was an anger within me that I had not felt before; a feeling of unforgiving that I was not willing to move beyond. Things didn't make sense, and it seemed as if every day brought more doubts, confusion and pain. 

As the days passed, my situation did not seem to change. What I felt I believed in was no longer real or meaningful to me. What I thought to be an anchor in a storm was now drifting with some uncontrollable tide, and carrying me right along with it. Weeks of confusion, searching, and questioning turned into months. I put on the best face that I could, and tried to move forward. It seemed that I had entered my own personal "dark night of the soul."

My journey out of this dark night (now you know which way I'm headed) has been underway for a little more than a year now. But, I once again find myself unable to sleep, and thinking about how to spend some of the late night hours that have just become early morning ones! What better way to spend this time than by finally starting the blog I had set up near the beginning of my way back into the light. 

So here is my introduction; my "toe dip" into sharing my personal thoughts and ramblings with anyone in the world who chooses to read them. I can't guarantee that they will be amazing, insightful or meaningful to anyone else. But I know they will be mine.