Thanks, just thanks.

Today, is the 4th Thursday in November - the day set aside for "giving thanks" for all we have been blessed with. I cannot even begin to count the myriad of gifts I have received; especially since my eyes have been opened even more to finding them on a daily basis! So in honor of Thanksgiving, I'll share just a few.

I come from a rather large family, so we gather every other year. This year I am in the PA chimney corner, celebrating the day with my youngest son, Michael, who is a student at Edinboro University. Along with his girlfriend, Morgan, who is sharing her apartment this weekend with my husband and me, we are putting together the traditional Thanksgiving meal later today. 

We arrived safely on Tuesday evening following a non-eventful 5 hour drive along mountainside roadways, just as the sun was setting. We shared delicious college town pizza and spent some time just catching up. 

On Wednesday, we spent some time at a nearby mall - where I found the best deal on some shoes I actually needed. After picking up a few last minute grocery items, we headed back to have dinner ready when Morgan got home from work. 

When dinner was finished, we spent time chatting with the southeast PA corner kids in Philly. My son Joe, his wife Ali, and  my 1 month old grandson Sebastian visited with us via FaceTime. The rest of our evening was once again spent just hanging out, chatting and watching a movie together. In between, I made some phone calls to friends and connected with some others online.

This morning in the quiet, I am alone at the kitchen table, enjoying a cup of coffee and a slice of pound cake Morgan made last night. Her cat is sitting with me just delightfully purring away as I type this post out on my phone. Soon the kitchen will be busy as we put the turkey in the oven, and assemble the green bean casserole before heading out to a matinee at a nearby movie theater. We'll have this last full day to visit before we make the return drive home in the morning. (The visits continue with the Philly kids and some of the extended family meeting up on Saturday.)

So, nothing extraordinary, nothing earth shattering about these last few days. Just simple gifts. Everyday blessings that we so often take for granted: safe travel, gorgeous sunset, really good pizza, shoes at an incredible price, phone calls to family and friends, a coffee pot pulled out of storage just for me, and of course the time we'll spend preparing and sharing the meal later today. 

I've been charged with keeping my eyes open as we move into Advent and on to Christmas. Seeing the gifts that surround me on a daily basis, accepting them and unwrapping them carefully, sharing them with others, and "giving thanks" to the one who has provided them - that is what I am truly thankful for. I have everything I need, and I am truly thankful. Happy Thanksgiving!

A long time later....

More than a year has passed since I last posted anything. I have not been without my Glimpses of Grace - as a matter of fact there have been so many  that I could never put them all together in one place. I have been along some of the most extraordinary paths of my spiritual journey in the past year. My growth has been unbelievable -  to the point of almost daily being overwhelmed by the glory of God's love.

The simple fact that I spent time reading over these blog posts tonight was in and of itself a true gift - an outpouring of God's grace that rescued me from my day. This past June, I retired from teaching - the subject of a post to come. It was truly a "God thing" - something I discerned for months, answered the call, and have not looked back. However, I still do not have a clear idea of just what it is that God wants me to do. That is now my current discernment. Today was the first time since this new school year began, that I was not specifically needed by anyone. I have been helping some friends on a regular basis, volunteering at my church and with another local organization - cultivating the community I have grown to love, feeling needed and being blessed by that feeling, taking time to be led, taking time to just listen - being available for whatever it is God wants me to do with my day. Something or someone has always presented itself each day. Until today.

My consolation has been that God has simply wanted me to be made available, that something may (or may not) eventually present itself as the reason for my retirement. This morning, though, I lost that perspective. I failed to see just why God wanted me to be available today. I wasn't miserable, just confused. I found myself totally distracted, unable to settle long enough for prayer and reflection, really not accomplishing much of anything at all. No one needed me - or so I thought.

This evening, something (Someone!) pulled me back to this blog - back to the beginning of a journey that has proven to be one of the most exciting things I have done with my life so far. The connections to what is happening in my life right now were absolutely stunning. The replies from a now dear friend as we were getting to know one another back then, the thoughts and prayers that I had over a year ago mirroring what I am currently searching within my heart, the physical connections to people I mentioned, even a song that played on the radio as I read them, and my newest background photo on my FaceBook page - they are all connected!

Through the tears streaming down my face I felt release. Someone did need me today - my friend, my love, my Savior. Jesus needed me today. Jesus needed me to remember that I did make the right decision, that I am on the right path, that I do want to follow wherever it is he will lead me. Jesus needed me to just take the time to love him. I didn't need to do anything - I just needed to allow Jesus to need me.

This morning I had one of my "wake-up calls" at 3:00am. I went out onto the deck and just stared in awe at the stars. The song "Overwhelmed" ran through my head, and I quietly sang along more than once in praise of the beauty I was witnessing. This evening I requested that song on the station I listen to regularly, and as it played I knew that I truly was overwhelmed - by the glory of creation, the many glimpses of grace throughout the day that I almost missed, and by the fact that Jesus needed me - just needed me to love him.

From the Bubble's Point of View

Today I got a much later start at filling my jar with those rocks. I had some early morning commitments that didn't allow me to begin until just before noon. I noticed that my usual spot on my downstairs deck (my house is a bi-level) was still wet, so I sat on the upstairs one - those chairs had already dried in the sun. And, as I was already running late and really need those rocks in my jar, I decided not to waste any more time by having to dry those chairs! As I sat quietly before beginning my reading, a thought came to my mind - perspective.

From the view upstairs things looked similar, yet very different. Instead of the base of the large pines, I could only see the tops. They were still glistening with the caught drops of rain that had not yet dried from the storm. Instead of the natural wall of the lilac bush downstairs, I could only see the tips of each one, but noticed a shimmering strand of spiderweb connected between the two.

Because there isn't a covering over the entire section where I was sitting, I had a larger view of the sky. The sun moved in and out of the clouds. Most of them were gray, but still formed gorgeous shapes as they were blown across the sky. The breeze kept everything in constant motion, changing the patterns and designs, the light and the shadow.

I was able to see my garden from my "bird's eye view" and noticed several white butterflies (cabbage moths, unfortunately) flitting among the plants. From downstairs, the chair I normally sit in is turned the other direction, and I don't see my garden at all from that vantage point. Besides the moths, I could also see the little finches and song sparrows perched in the tops of the nearby trees. Sitting downstairs I can obviously still hear them, but they are hidden from sight.

All of this got me thinking back to yesterday's post (hey, two posts in a row! I think that's a new record for me!) about onions, rocks, and bubbles. While putting those rocks into my jar, I had the perspective of a bubble. I was looking at those familiar things around me in a different way. Not sticking to just what I normally see down there on the ground level, but rising up to see things at a higher one. Looking down and around, but also up all at the same time. Floating on the breeze, but yet taking time to ponder and think about what is important in my life. Keeping what's most important in my line of sight, but allowing myself to look outside of my normal perspective in search of things beyond the ordinary. 

I think I like being a bubble!  

Onions, rocks, and bubbles

Recently I have been spending time on several different meditations. They each have a bit of silly attached to them, but that's fine with me! And for those of you who have been worried about me because of the tone of my last few posts, this one should make you feel better, too!

First, the onions! One of the themes that has been surfacing in my reading this summer has been discovering the many different levels of who we are. I started thinking about the fact that there are many "layers" to me. Peeling back these layers to discover who I really am, so that I can begin to determine who I really need to become has been an interesting part of my spiritual journey. The first image that popped into my head was onions, and a quote from the movie Shrek - which was one of my favorites when it came out in 2001. Shrek is trying to explain to Donkey just why ogres are not who they seem to be.

Ogres are like onions. Onions have layers, ogres have layers. You get it? We both have layers.
Shrek and Donkey chat about onions

Next, the rocks! A story has been circulating for some time about filling an empty jar. Basically, someone fills a clear jar with rocks. When others are asked if the jar is full, they of course reply that it is. Then however, smaller rocks and pebbles are added. Again the question is raised, and now the observers are certain the jar is full. But then sand is poured into the jar, falling into the small spaces that have been left open. The idea here is that you must first fill your jar with rocks, before you let all of the other stuff get in the way. The big stuff, the important stuff, can't go in last or it will never fit. I have been trying very hard to be sure that my jar is full of rocks before I get my day started - my prayer and quiet time are my biggest rocks! When I don't put them in first, invariably my day falls apart.
Rocks, Pebbles and Sand

And now, the bubbles! At one point in my spiritual direction I was given a sheet of paper with a few simple meditations written on it. One of them follows.

There are 3 kinds of people who populate this world. The people of the earth live on the ground scraping an existence together, seldom daring to look up. The people of the sky move up and down in glass towers seldom caring to look around. The people in bubbles....

I think I might be a bubble person! I like to think that I do look up, that I do see the world around me. Bubbles are fun! They reflect the colors of the sun, and bring happiness to anyone who sees them. I like to think that I am a bubble, or at least that is one of those things I am learning to become!

So...onions, rocks and bubbles. Peel back some of the layers to learn who I am. Fill my day with what is most important first; my quiet time of prayer and meditation. Move about this world lighthearted and filled with the joy that has come from starting the day with those rocks. See, I knew this post would sound much more like me!

Still so far behind...but learning it's ok!

I've been spending a lot of time since the first of July simply learning to be pleased with where I am in the present moment. While I have had many instances of God's grace being shared with me, it has all been very subtle and slow to unfold. Despite this, I have been surprisingly patient! I meant to begin writing and blogging regularly again, but have found myself preoccupied with other important things that were not meant just for me. Don't worry though, I've kept plenty of notes to get me started up again - and here is one of them! What follows is an email that I sent to a friend almost exactly a month ago, that I had also meant to share in this blog. A little late, and much farther behind than I wanted to be at this point, but an easy restart! There is so much more to come, but for today this one will have to do!

June 15, 2013  

Once again, it's me - sharing what I think is another of God's wonderful messages, and perhaps bits of humor! I spent most of my day trying to "reclaim" the former bedroom that is now my office/sanctuary, and ended up with 3 "aha" moments! Hope you don't mind; well if you do, just don't read further - I'll never know ;)

As part of my project, I cleaned through a basket of my reading material. I started getting rather down on myself as I found selections and books that I had every intention of reading, but have either stopped or not even started. I came across a small stack of papers: scraps really - envelopes, index cards, etc. - and realized they were the "Glimpses of Grace" I had started writing just after my first spiritual direction meeting a year ago. In the pile I also found a copy of "The Word Among Us" that I had picked up at the church in North Carolina where we were vacationing. Since I was in a rather dark place at that time in my life, I remember thinking that it certainly wouldn't hurt to read something extra! Now - almost an entire year later, I found the reading and meditation for Tuesday, August 7 - Matthew 14: 22-33 - the "boat assignment" that had been given to me back in April of this year! The mediation and my notes from August , 2012 went like this - "even when Jesus is right there with us, we may not recognize him because we are so caught up in everything else around us - the disciples struggled, kept on trying to make the crossing on their own; we can't do it alone - learn to find Jesus in our everyday lives - decide to fix your eyes on Jesus." My boat is still in "dry dock," as was suggested a few weeks ago -  that I step back from that particular meditation. But now I wonder if it is time to take another look - perhaps a spiritual direction meeting sometime soon wouldn't be a bad idea :)

The next 2 "moments" came just a bit ago, and both involved photographs that Morgan (my younger son's girlfriend) had given us for Christmas. As part of a class assignment, she went to several churches, including Our Lady of the Lake in Edinboro. She enlarged a few of her photos, and gave me one of their Blessed Mother statue. Mary is holding a young Jesus, who is displaying his Sacred Heart - which at the time was not particularly significant to me at all. But, after finishing the recent group retreat (Consoling the Heart of Jesus, by Father Michael Gaitley) and making the parish pilgrimage to the Sacred Heart Basilica, it certainly is now! The other photo is of a hymnal on a pew - which she just randomly opened for the shot. The song on the page is "You Are Mine" - which has a powerful significance in my life, beginning with my cancer diagnosis 5 years ago (the stories I could tell involving this song are amazing!) When she gave the photos to us, I really had not looked at them in such detail - but this evening I finally got frames to put them in with the intent of hanging Mary with the rest of the collection in my now clean room. Imagine my surprise, and the feeling of wonder at the way God has once again reminded me that he is always nearby!

The notes and meditation book were in the basket for a year; the photos in a box under the futon for 6 months. Each message was waiting for just the right time to appear - and this is definitely it! I have been feeling somewhat lost again - nothing major; just more of a feeling of being unfocused and lacking a true sense of direction. My time spent in prayer and meditation has been interrupted and disturbed by circumstance for the past few weeks. I have been rather hard on myself for being so neglectful of my spiritual life. I have been craving that quiet time, but have just not felt drawn to make it happen. But, as it appears that my night will soon become my morning once again, perhaps now is that time! All thanks to a need to clean and reorganize my little "sanctuary", and of course a God who loves me!

Gifts Given And Received - A Request For Prayer!

A few days ago, I received a FaceBook message from the mother of a former 3rd grade student of mine. The young lady is now 13, and we have kept in touch since she left my classroom almost 5 years ago. The message was not an easy one to read, and I am sure it was not an easy one for her mom to write. 

You see, this girl suffers from RAD - Reactive Attachment Disorder. RAD arises from a failure to form normal attachments to primary caregivers in early childhood. This child spent her first few years in a foreign orphanage, before being adopted by her current family. After several recent short term hospitalizations, the family has come to the painful decision that she cannot return to their home. The situation has escalated over the past few years, despite treatment and an amazing amount of support. This week, they will be taking their daughter to live in a residential treatment facility in Missouri.

When this student first came into my life those 5 years ago, I knew she was going to be a challenge. But, at the same time, I also knew that something special was hidden deep inside her. We had our "battles" those first few weeks of school. I distinctly remember the turning point - when I very firmly told her that "I've been doing this for a long time, and you are not going to win!" After that, our relationship changed for the better. While it was still rocky and rough going at times throughout that school year, it blossomed into one of those teacher-student connections that I will always treasure.

Her parents have often mentioned to me how grateful they were for my intervention in her life. She would always stop by my classroom to visit whenever she was near the school, even after she had moved on to another building. We would catch up on her successes at the grocery store. I would see her at concerts and other school events - where she would pretend to be "annoyed" to run into me, but then I'd get a smile and many times a hug. I loved to see her smile! Recently, her mom shared with me that she had rescued some baby robins, and was nursing them by digging up the yard in search of worms!

As I was thinking about her and her family today (their journey to Missouri starts tomorrow), I began to realize the blessing she truly was to my life. She was part of the most difficult year of teaching I have had in my 32 year career - and not because of who she was! That was the year that I lost one of my best friends in a tragic car accident. 

Twila was killed in October of that school year. We had been together for 10 years - she was my teaching assistant when I was the special education teacher, and then was assigned to be in my 3rd grade classroom for the majority of the day that particular school year. Losing her was one of the most difficult events I have faced in my life journey so far. I was the one who had to tell the children;  it was the first time any of them had seen a teacher cry. I tried to be strong for them, and put on one of those masks we all wear when we want to keep others from seeing our pain. As the days went on, and we slowly moved into a new normal without her, I began to realize that I was slipping into a depression. I became frustrated, and easily overwhelmed by the level of responsibility for my students - which is not like me at all!

Knowing that this particular student was one who needed a great deal of attention from me helped me to realize that I had to snap out of it. Again, I remember vividly the "aha" moment. I was sitting at the red light on Route 15 on my way to school (I believe I mentioned this spot in an earlier post, but was headed home in that one!) Something inside me said - Twila would not want you to give up! She worked hard with these kids while she was with you, so it's time to pull yourself together and be the teacher you know you need to be! 

My attitude changed by the time I had reached my classroom. And while it was a painful year, I know that being needed by this child saved me from full-blown depression. Giving her what she needed, being her support and ally as she struggled through her own issues, helped to keep me from developing even more of my own.

Her mom has asked for my prayers, and I have promised her the prayers of others. The family is determined to eventually bring their daughter home. They will make monthly visits as part of the therapy plan. I am hoping to be allowed to have contact with her as well. She is truly a special child, who unknowingly provided me with a gift of healing. I pray that she receives that same gift. God truly has a plan for her. While her parents are grateful that He placed me into their lives, I am grateful that He placed their daughter in mine. Please keep her in your prayers.

I've been away too long!

Once again, I have found myself falling away from what I know I should be doing – praying, meditating on the things of God. I’ve neglected the quiet time that I know I should be devoting, the time I so treasured and couldn’t seem to do without. What happened? Have I lost the special connection? Have I just become overly forgetful or complacent?

Or, could it be that I have not been listening; not been paying attention? Could it be that I am once again trying too hard to convince myself that what I want must be what God wants for me or from me?  Could it be that I have not trusted him to take the lead, but rather allowed myself to take control. I’ve been down this road many times before, and am disappointed to find myself on it once again.

Here it is, July 1^st, and my last blog post was weeks ago. I need to get myself back into some sort of routine, to find that place where God and I just sit and chat – silently visiting, or quietly conversing with each other (what I'm sure looks like me talking to myself). On the few days that I have made that time, or have purposefully carved out that piece of my day, I am in awe of the connection and the subtle power of God. He moves my heart and soul in ways that only he can. I find myself reading, praying, chatting – and realize it’s been over an hour or more though it seems like minutes.Why would I ever want that to go away? I don't -  I know that it isn't me that wants this holy time to disappear from my day, but something else!

Earlier this evening, a friend pointed me toward another blog – and the connection was made in my brain and in my heart to begin again. Understand that I have never “lost the faith,” never given up, never denied the power of God in my life. It’s just that lately I have been trying to decide for myself what it is I should be doing. And again, each time I have done that, a feeling of worry and confusion has entered my brain, and disturbed my heart - not to mention my sleep, as I’m sure July 1^st will become July 2^nd  for me before I finish this post!

So, it is once again time to take a very hard look at the reason behind my “spiritual stall.” There have been many ideas, thoughts, events, and connections that I can look back at over the past weeks, and realize the hand of God guiding me along – even though I once again neglected to see it. There are so many that I just need to gather them all together – into separate postings as I am reminded of them. You see, they have not disappeared, but have now resurfaced with the “aha” component – the moment of clarity that I should have noticed as they were happening. I suppose I can be happy with the simple fact that I have begun to recognize them once again! And also with the fact that it is still July 1st, at least for another 15 minutes!