From the Bubble's Point of View

Today I got a much later start at filling my jar with those rocks. I had some early morning commitments that didn't allow me to begin until just before noon. I noticed that my usual spot on my downstairs deck (my house is a bi-level) was still wet, so I sat on the upstairs one - those chairs had already dried in the sun. And, as I was already running late and really need those rocks in my jar, I decided not to waste any more time by having to dry those chairs! As I sat quietly before beginning my reading, a thought came to my mind - perspective.

From the view upstairs things looked similar, yet very different. Instead of the base of the large pines, I could only see the tops. They were still glistening with the caught drops of rain that had not yet dried from the storm. Instead of the natural wall of the lilac bush downstairs, I could only see the tips of each one, but noticed a shimmering strand of spiderweb connected between the two.

Because there isn't a covering over the entire section where I was sitting, I had a larger view of the sky. The sun moved in and out of the clouds. Most of them were gray, but still formed gorgeous shapes as they were blown across the sky. The breeze kept everything in constant motion, changing the patterns and designs, the light and the shadow.

I was able to see my garden from my "bird's eye view" and noticed several white butterflies (cabbage moths, unfortunately) flitting among the plants. From downstairs, the chair I normally sit in is turned the other direction, and I don't see my garden at all from that vantage point. Besides the moths, I could also see the little finches and song sparrows perched in the tops of the nearby trees. Sitting downstairs I can obviously still hear them, but they are hidden from sight.

All of this got me thinking back to yesterday's post (hey, two posts in a row! I think that's a new record for me!) about onions, rocks, and bubbles. While putting those rocks into my jar, I had the perspective of a bubble. I was looking at those familiar things around me in a different way. Not sticking to just what I normally see down there on the ground level, but rising up to see things at a higher one. Looking down and around, but also up all at the same time. Floating on the breeze, but yet taking time to ponder and think about what is important in my life. Keeping what's most important in my line of sight, but allowing myself to look outside of my normal perspective in search of things beyond the ordinary. 

I think I like being a bubble!  

Onions, rocks, and bubbles

Recently I have been spending time on several different meditations. They each have a bit of silly attached to them, but that's fine with me! And for those of you who have been worried about me because of the tone of my last few posts, this one should make you feel better, too!

First, the onions! One of the themes that has been surfacing in my reading this summer has been discovering the many different levels of who we are. I started thinking about the fact that there are many "layers" to me. Peeling back these layers to discover who I really am, so that I can begin to determine who I really need to become has been an interesting part of my spiritual journey. The first image that popped into my head was onions, and a quote from the movie Shrek - which was one of my favorites when it came out in 2001. Shrek is trying to explain to Donkey just why ogres are not who they seem to be.

Ogres are like onions. Onions have layers, ogres have layers. You get it? We both have layers.
Shrek and Donkey chat about onions

Next, the rocks! A story has been circulating for some time about filling an empty jar. Basically, someone fills a clear jar with rocks. When others are asked if the jar is full, they of course reply that it is. Then however, smaller rocks and pebbles are added. Again the question is raised, and now the observers are certain the jar is full. But then sand is poured into the jar, falling into the small spaces that have been left open. The idea here is that you must first fill your jar with rocks, before you let all of the other stuff get in the way. The big stuff, the important stuff, can't go in last or it will never fit. I have been trying very hard to be sure that my jar is full of rocks before I get my day started - my prayer and quiet time are my biggest rocks! When I don't put them in first, invariably my day falls apart.
Rocks, Pebbles and Sand

And now, the bubbles! At one point in my spiritual direction I was given a sheet of paper with a few simple meditations written on it. One of them follows.

There are 3 kinds of people who populate this world. The people of the earth live on the ground scraping an existence together, seldom daring to look up. The people of the sky move up and down in glass towers seldom caring to look around. The people in bubbles....

I think I might be a bubble person! I like to think that I do look up, that I do see the world around me. Bubbles are fun! They reflect the colors of the sun, and bring happiness to anyone who sees them. I like to think that I am a bubble, or at least that is one of those things I am learning to become!

So...onions, rocks and bubbles. Peel back some of the layers to learn who I am. Fill my day with what is most important first; my quiet time of prayer and meditation. Move about this world lighthearted and filled with the joy that has come from starting the day with those rocks. See, I knew this post would sound much more like me!

Still so far behind...but learning it's ok!

I've been spending a lot of time since the first of July simply learning to be pleased with where I am in the present moment. While I have had many instances of God's grace being shared with me, it has all been very subtle and slow to unfold. Despite this, I have been surprisingly patient! I meant to begin writing and blogging regularly again, but have found myself preoccupied with other important things that were not meant just for me. Don't worry though, I've kept plenty of notes to get me started up again - and here is one of them! What follows is an email that I sent to a friend almost exactly a month ago, that I had also meant to share in this blog. A little late, and much farther behind than I wanted to be at this point, but an easy restart! There is so much more to come, but for today this one will have to do!

June 15, 2013  

Once again, it's me - sharing what I think is another of God's wonderful messages, and perhaps bits of humor! I spent most of my day trying to "reclaim" the former bedroom that is now my office/sanctuary, and ended up with 3 "aha" moments! Hope you don't mind; well if you do, just don't read further - I'll never know ;)

As part of my project, I cleaned through a basket of my reading material. I started getting rather down on myself as I found selections and books that I had every intention of reading, but have either stopped or not even started. I came across a small stack of papers: scraps really - envelopes, index cards, etc. - and realized they were the "Glimpses of Grace" I had started writing just after my first spiritual direction meeting a year ago. In the pile I also found a copy of "The Word Among Us" that I had picked up at the church in North Carolina where we were vacationing. Since I was in a rather dark place at that time in my life, I remember thinking that it certainly wouldn't hurt to read something extra! Now - almost an entire year later, I found the reading and meditation for Tuesday, August 7 - Matthew 14: 22-33 - the "boat assignment" that had been given to me back in April of this year! The mediation and my notes from August , 2012 went like this - "even when Jesus is right there with us, we may not recognize him because we are so caught up in everything else around us - the disciples struggled, kept on trying to make the crossing on their own; we can't do it alone - learn to find Jesus in our everyday lives - decide to fix your eyes on Jesus." My boat is still in "dry dock," as was suggested a few weeks ago -  that I step back from that particular meditation. But now I wonder if it is time to take another look - perhaps a spiritual direction meeting sometime soon wouldn't be a bad idea :)

The next 2 "moments" came just a bit ago, and both involved photographs that Morgan (my younger son's girlfriend) had given us for Christmas. As part of a class assignment, she went to several churches, including Our Lady of the Lake in Edinboro. She enlarged a few of her photos, and gave me one of their Blessed Mother statue. Mary is holding a young Jesus, who is displaying his Sacred Heart - which at the time was not particularly significant to me at all. But, after finishing the recent group retreat (Consoling the Heart of Jesus, by Father Michael Gaitley) and making the parish pilgrimage to the Sacred Heart Basilica, it certainly is now! The other photo is of a hymnal on a pew - which she just randomly opened for the shot. The song on the page is "You Are Mine" - which has a powerful significance in my life, beginning with my cancer diagnosis 5 years ago (the stories I could tell involving this song are amazing!) When she gave the photos to us, I really had not looked at them in such detail - but this evening I finally got frames to put them in with the intent of hanging Mary with the rest of the collection in my now clean room. Imagine my surprise, and the feeling of wonder at the way God has once again reminded me that he is always nearby!

The notes and meditation book were in the basket for a year; the photos in a box under the futon for 6 months. Each message was waiting for just the right time to appear - and this is definitely it! I have been feeling somewhat lost again - nothing major; just more of a feeling of being unfocused and lacking a true sense of direction. My time spent in prayer and meditation has been interrupted and disturbed by circumstance for the past few weeks. I have been rather hard on myself for being so neglectful of my spiritual life. I have been craving that quiet time, but have just not felt drawn to make it happen. But, as it appears that my night will soon become my morning once again, perhaps now is that time! All thanks to a need to clean and reorganize my little "sanctuary", and of course a God who loves me!

Gifts Given And Received - A Request For Prayer!

A few days ago, I received a FaceBook message from the mother of a former 3rd grade student of mine. The young lady is now 13, and we have kept in touch since she left my classroom almost 5 years ago. The message was not an easy one to read, and I am sure it was not an easy one for her mom to write. 

You see, this girl suffers from RAD - Reactive Attachment Disorder. RAD arises from a failure to form normal attachments to primary caregivers in early childhood. This child spent her first few years in a foreign orphanage, before being adopted by her current family. After several recent short term hospitalizations, the family has come to the painful decision that she cannot return to their home. The situation has escalated over the past few years, despite treatment and an amazing amount of support. This week, they will be taking their daughter to live in a residential treatment facility in Missouri.

When this student first came into my life those 5 years ago, I knew she was going to be a challenge. But, at the same time, I also knew that something special was hidden deep inside her. We had our "battles" those first few weeks of school. I distinctly remember the turning point - when I very firmly told her that "I've been doing this for a long time, and you are not going to win!" After that, our relationship changed for the better. While it was still rocky and rough going at times throughout that school year, it blossomed into one of those teacher-student connections that I will always treasure.

Her parents have often mentioned to me how grateful they were for my intervention in her life. She would always stop by my classroom to visit whenever she was near the school, even after she had moved on to another building. We would catch up on her successes at the grocery store. I would see her at concerts and other school events - where she would pretend to be "annoyed" to run into me, but then I'd get a smile and many times a hug. I loved to see her smile! Recently, her mom shared with me that she had rescued some baby robins, and was nursing them by digging up the yard in search of worms!

As I was thinking about her and her family today (their journey to Missouri starts tomorrow), I began to realize the blessing she truly was to my life. She was part of the most difficult year of teaching I have had in my 32 year career - and not because of who she was! That was the year that I lost one of my best friends in a tragic car accident. 

Twila was killed in October of that school year. We had been together for 10 years - she was my teaching assistant when I was the special education teacher, and then was assigned to be in my 3rd grade classroom for the majority of the day that particular school year. Losing her was one of the most difficult events I have faced in my life journey so far. I was the one who had to tell the children;  it was the first time any of them had seen a teacher cry. I tried to be strong for them, and put on one of those masks we all wear when we want to keep others from seeing our pain. As the days went on, and we slowly moved into a new normal without her, I began to realize that I was slipping into a depression. I became frustrated, and easily overwhelmed by the level of responsibility for my students - which is not like me at all!

Knowing that this particular student was one who needed a great deal of attention from me helped me to realize that I had to snap out of it. Again, I remember vividly the "aha" moment. I was sitting at the red light on Route 15 on my way to school (I believe I mentioned this spot in an earlier post, but was headed home in that one!) Something inside me said - Twila would not want you to give up! She worked hard with these kids while she was with you, so it's time to pull yourself together and be the teacher you know you need to be! 

My attitude changed by the time I had reached my classroom. And while it was a painful year, I know that being needed by this child saved me from full-blown depression. Giving her what she needed, being her support and ally as she struggled through her own issues, helped to keep me from developing even more of my own.

Her mom has asked for my prayers, and I have promised her the prayers of others. The family is determined to eventually bring their daughter home. They will make monthly visits as part of the therapy plan. I am hoping to be allowed to have contact with her as well. She is truly a special child, who unknowingly provided me with a gift of healing. I pray that she receives that same gift. God truly has a plan for her. While her parents are grateful that He placed me into their lives, I am grateful that He placed their daughter in mine. Please keep her in your prayers.

I've been away too long!

Once again, I have found myself falling away from what I know I should be doing – praying, meditating on the things of God. I’ve neglected the quiet time that I know I should be devoting, the time I so treasured and couldn’t seem to do without. What happened? Have I lost the special connection? Have I just become overly forgetful or complacent?

Or, could it be that I have not been listening; not been paying attention? Could it be that I am once again trying too hard to convince myself that what I want must be what God wants for me or from me?  Could it be that I have not trusted him to take the lead, but rather allowed myself to take control. I’ve been down this road many times before, and am disappointed to find myself on it once again.

Here it is, July 1^st, and my last blog post was weeks ago. I need to get myself back into some sort of routine, to find that place where God and I just sit and chat – silently visiting, or quietly conversing with each other (what I'm sure looks like me talking to myself). On the few days that I have made that time, or have purposefully carved out that piece of my day, I am in awe of the connection and the subtle power of God. He moves my heart and soul in ways that only he can. I find myself reading, praying, chatting – and realize it’s been over an hour or more though it seems like minutes.Why would I ever want that to go away? I don't -  I know that it isn't me that wants this holy time to disappear from my day, but something else!

Earlier this evening, a friend pointed me toward another blog – and the connection was made in my brain and in my heart to begin again. Understand that I have never “lost the faith,” never given up, never denied the power of God in my life. It’s just that lately I have been trying to decide for myself what it is I should be doing. And again, each time I have done that, a feeling of worry and confusion has entered my brain, and disturbed my heart - not to mention my sleep, as I’m sure July 1^st will become July 2^nd  for me before I finish this post!

So, it is once again time to take a very hard look at the reason behind my “spiritual stall.” There have been many ideas, thoughts, events, and connections that I can look back at over the past weeks, and realize the hand of God guiding me along – even though I once again neglected to see it. There are so many that I just need to gather them all together – into separate postings as I am reminded of them. You see, they have not disappeared, but have now resurfaced with the “aha” component – the moment of clarity that I should have noticed as they were happening. I suppose I can be happy with the simple fact that I have begun to recognize them once again! And also with the fact that it is still July 1st, at least for another 15 minutes!

Smile, you're a sinner :)

So, here is another simple, yet meaningful post! This is one that came to me during Sunday Mass this past weekend, when once again I found myself grinning from beginning to end! That reminded me of this quote from Blessed Mother Teresa - one of my favorites; the person and the photo! I posted this as the new cover photo on my FaceBook page Sunday evening.

That made me think about all of the reasons I have to smile, so I looked through my photos for some of the ones that show me doing just that. I found plenty!

 
Then (coincidence, I think not!) I took a look at FaceBook late Monday night. Our pastor had mentioned this in a post this weekend - 

Did you ever notice that at the beginning of every Catholic Mass we acknowledge our sins? It’s as though I’m at a Twelve-Step meeting and stand up to say, “Hi, I’m Bill and I’m a sinner.” I look around and see that I’m not alone and I can find strength in the shared grace that allows us not to be consumed by our sins. Father, Son, and Spirit smile in seeing us together as they are.  Smile if you’re a sinner too: we are Church precisely to help each other!

God is good - and has shown once again that He certainly does have a great sense of humor! I'm still smiling just thinking about it; and I'm pretty sure I heard another "BAZINGA" :)

I Needed....

I don't often take the time to think about what it is that I need. To be quite honest, most times I am not even really sure of what those things are - beyond of course the basic day to day "stuff" that we all find important. Every so often though, something will happen that just provides a very clear message of just how vulnerable I can be. 

Recently, I caused something negative to happen. The situation that resulted was not life threatening or dangerous, and no one was injured in any way. It was a major inconvenience for several people, and a huge blow to my self-esteem. People who needed me were let down, and I could not move beyond my own feeling of inadequacy and the resulting embarrassment. I felt physically ill, and totally humiliated.

What I needed was the reassurance that it was ok to have made such a major error. What I needed was to be told that despite the fact that people needed to deal with the fallout, things would be back to normal very quickly, and all would be well again. What I needed was just someone to tell me that I wasn't a "loser," and give me some kind words of encouragement.

Several people did just that, in a quiet sort of way. It was those words and interactions that helped me to feel somewhat better. However, there were others whose words were not so kind. They were words of sarcasm, words reminding me how inconvenienced these folks would be, words that reminded me just how much I had let them down.

I needed to rely on the consolation/desolation teaching to not return to that dark place I found myself in the last time I encountered such a negative blow. Fortunately I am now well-armed to deal with such an event! Before I felt so completely wiped out, I remembered to focus on what I truly needed, and how it had been received from the majority of the people affected. In my Sacred Space reading this week, one of the thoughts to ponder is about conversation. It says: "The gift of speech is a wonderful gift. May I use this gift with kindness. May I be slow to utter harsh words, hurtful words, and words spoken in anger."  I pray that I can use this lesson as a reminder to use my words the way they are needed to be used in the situations I encounter. 

Another favorite song ran through my head in the days following the mess I found myself in (which has been cleaned up by the way!) At the risk of being repetitive, I am sharing another music video with you here - enjoy!

 

 

Being Needed

Last week, I made the decision (on the advice of a friend) to step away from the boat meditation. In doing so, I also decided to step back from other things as well. I have been spending time taking a long look at the overall picture, and thinking even more about those patterns of consolation and desolation this friend had asked me to revisit. There is much that I have begun to see; much that I suspect was always there, but I overlooked. Perhaps I was too focused on the details, too busy analyzing the messages as I mentioned in the previous post. Or perhaps, I just didn’t need to see it until now!

I decided to limit the amount of my reading to just those items that seemed to be drawing my attention - the ones I needed to be reading. I continued with my daily Sacred Space meditation book, and the reading for the Faith Matters class at church (Consoling the Heart of Jesus, by Father Michael Gaitley). I also briefly started the reading for the next Spiritual Book Club meeting in June (No Man Is An Island, by Thomas Merton) - which will eventually take up several blog entries on its own (I haven’t even made it past the first chapter yet!)

There were several themes that have been running through all of these readings. I am trying very hard not to analyze the connections, to just step away and let them happen - and to see where they might be leading me. The subject of this particular blog; and most likely the next several to come; is one of these themes - the idea of need.

I have always seemed to be in a position of being needed. I’m sure it comes from the fact that I am the oldest of 7 children, a wife and mother, and an elementary teacher by trade. It has been a source of blessing as well as frustration (consolation and desolation). It has helped me to thrive and grow, but has also caused me to sometimes become overwhelmed by responsibilities. Being the one whom others can count on, rely on, and come to, has always been a very natural part of who I am. I am a “people oriented person” who finds joy in doing things for others.

In looking at the patterns of events in which someone has needed me, both recently (see post God's Bazinga!) and over the past few years, I began to see much of this as definite consolation. A sense of peace, of fulfillment, of pleasure; in being able to help solve a problem, make a situation better, provide relief or simply offer friendship. It was more than just a “warm fuzzy,” but was in fact a sense of true joy that continues to grow each time I encounter one of these situations.

Then I began to look at those circumstances that did not give me that same sense of joy. These were more of a chore, a task, something I found myself trying hard to avoid. When I looked more closely, I found that what I had thought was someone needing me, was not really that at all! It was me deciding that I was needed - to change a situation, to make something better, to solve a problem; all of course what I thought was for the best.

In using the principles of consolation and desolation, I have been able to begin to see how parts of my life; events, circumstances, interactions; fit into those two very distinct categories. In looking at things in this way, I am hoping to allow myself to be led to those things that I am truly needed to do; being able to help solve a problem, make a situation better, provide relief or simply offer friendship. It is then that I will hopefully be further along on my journey toward finding out what God is trying to do with my life - using me in the way He needs to, and not the other way around. There is so much more to come - I really do need to blog more often! Perhaps what is needed is another one of my nights that become my mornings. Funny how I actually look forward to those now!

Step Away and Stow the Boat!

As I mentioned in a previous post (Boats, Courage, Generosity), what seemed to be an easy assignment in the development of my spiritual life truly was not. I was busy looking into many details, analyzing thoughts that came my way as I read, looking for connections to all of those concepts and trying to figure out where I was supposed to be headed. On Tuesday morning, I sent an email request for some guidance and was given this advice -
 
Step away from the boat for a little bit. Sometimes over-thinking can be an obstacle to prayer. Remember that prayer is God's work, not our work, and when we're working too hard or thinking too hard or trying too hard, that's not God at work. Our prayer makes sense when we place it within the patterns of consolation and desolation.   
  
On Wednesday evening I had another one of my "nights turning into mornings," and spent most of the time contemplating the advice that had been passed on to me. I had been keeping a sheet of note paper in my Bible to mark the Matthew 14 reading, intending to eventually use the thoughts here in my blog. As I read over what I had written, before stowing the paper into another spot in my office to pull out at a later time, I saw the pattern!

Here, exactly from those notes, is how it went - 

4/25 - Jesus made them get into the boat because he didn't want them to miss out on something important. What am I missing?
4/27 - Courage - I need to have the courage to allow Jesus to guide me. I need to rely more on him to take the lead.
5/11 - Jesus went off by himself to pray; he was there alone - regular quiet time has been missing from my days for almost 2 weeks; need to return to this time of contemplation!
5/12 - Fourth watch - NAB (my Catholic Bible translation) notes time period between 3-6am; have been waking up around 2:30 every day this week, but going back to sleep - maybe I should try to stay awake and use the time in prayer?
5/13 - Peter challenges Jesus; asking him to prove that it was him walking on the water - have I been "challenging" Jesus by not giving everything over to his control? I am still hanging on to things, hoping they will go "my way"

I obviously missed the greater message by allowing myself to get so caught up in the details of figuring things out. I have not yet given up control, nor have I been willing to let God lead me (which also means that even though I thought I was, I really wasn't listening!) So, I am stepping away and stowing the boat for now. I have turned my attention to just letting God decide for me, (rather than me deciding for Him), which way this new contemplation will take me.

Bottom line, as I was told on Tuesday - I am going to stop trying so hard, and let God take the lead! This morning, I spent time just quietly meditating on things that I have most recently found as consolation. The time with wonderful friends last evening, newly answered prayers, and wise advice from a holy priest. It may still become a storm-tossed ride, but now more than ever, I am determined to just be the passenger!

Learn more about St. Ignatius and his principles of consolation and desolation at this link    Ignatian Spirituality

A Simple Post About Blessings

This latest post is far from my own original thought, but for me is powerful. Blessings, by Laura Story, has been in my head for over a week now. I know there are many reasons for its' being stuck there, but the one I have been dwelling on lately is pictured here with me. She is a blessing that has come to me through raindrops. Another simple post, but one that is moving my heart right now. Blessings as you listen and ponder the lyrics!

 

Go deep, not far...not particularly the best advice while in a boat!

Matthew 14:22 - Then he made the disciples get into the boat....

If you have been following my most recent rambling, you know from a previous post that instead of an entire chapter in a particular book of the Bible to ponder and study until my next spiritual direction meeting, I was given only 12 verses (Matthew 14:22-33 to be exact). Because it is so short, I have been reading through the entire section all at once. My morning quiet time became a bit more limited as the week progressed. I ended up having to put it aside to concentrate on other things that needed my attention. I continued to read through my daily meditation book (the next post subject!), but kept running out of time to get everything else in before leaving for the day. 

On my way home from school just a day or so ago, I realized once again that the boat was just too important to ignore - something to be said for long red lights crossing Route 15! That evening, I made time to pull out my Bible and read over this story again. However, I was stopped halfway through the first verse (verse 22). The verb became something more active, more powerful, more thought provoking. It began to take me deeper (which is what I was supposed to have been doing all along).

The word is made. I checked several other familiar translations, just to see if the same word is used. It is. Not only that, but the King James version uses the word constrained. The definition of constrain is "to force by imposed stricture or limitation, to secure."

Jesus didn't ask them; he didn't suggest that they get into that boat. He made them get in.

Why did he do that? I believe it was because something amazing was about to happen. Something so incredible that it would change their way of thinking, their way of living, their way of believing - and he didn't want any of them to miss out on that experience. Jesus needed them to be in that place, at that time.

In my Bible (New American Bible, Catholic Translation), there is a reference note for verse 31 - O you of little faith... This notation refers to disciples of Christ whose faith is not as deep as it should be. Father Robert Barron, in a portion of his Catholicism video series, which was shown as part of our adult evening classes at my parish, made the comment that "when Jesus gets into your boat, you know he's going to take you out into deep water." That advice has been presented to me several times in the past year - go deep, not far in your prayer and meditation.

Now, just how do I pull this all together, or at least begin to try to? Has Jesus decided that it's time to make me get into my boat? Is there something that he wants to be sure that I see; that he doesn't want me to miss? Something that will change my way of thinking, my way of living, my way of believing? I know that I am one of the "you of little faith" - a disciple whose faith is there, but not nearly as deep as it could or should be. 

I know the challenge I have been given is to go deep, not far. To do that, I need to start out in the boat. The problem is going to come when Jesus asks me to step out of it. You see, I truly do have a rather intense fear of deep water. Perhaps that's why I was also told to beg God for the grace of courage!

Catholicism Video Series 

So did you hear the one about.....

In my last post, I mentioned God's "sense of humor" showing through very quickly after being told to think about what was in my boat. While I am certainly no scripture scholar, I'm pretty sure that there is no specific mention of the Lord playing practical jokes. I do believe though, that He enjoys just a little teasing once in a while (refer to "God's Bazinga" posted earlier) Here is another example to support my theory.

The morning after my boat conversation, our parish was hosting a mini-retreat. The speaker was wonderful; the morning very rewarding for everyone who attended. I was really feeling that the faith community had been drawn closer, simply by coming together. Near the end of the presentation, the speaker related a story of his trip to the Holy Land. He mentioned visiting the

Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem - and being privileged to see a small chapel not normally open to the public. On one of the walls is a carving of a boat - with the inscription "Lord we shall go"- you can read more at the links I've posted here!

Boat Carving Forges Precious Bond 
Church of the Holy Sepulchre 



And, the humor continues! After returning home, I was finally able to go outside to "play in the dirt" to begin prepping my veggie garden. I started digging up and pulling the weeds that had quickly been taking over already. I decided to look at the bright side, and began thinking about my boat challenge again. After all, the reference from earlier in the day sort of made it seem important. As I was using the shovel to pull out the dandelions, I began thinking about how deep the roots of these plants were. And, the fact that even though they were colorful, and taste pretty good with the right hot bacon dressing, they are still in fact weeds. Then I recalled how silly it was that the dandelion was not even a plant native to our country. They had been carried from Europe on.....wait a minute.....ships! Sailors would actually have barrels of them planted on board ship, and eat the leaves and flowers to help prevent scurvy! OK - twice in the same day....this boat thing really might be important.

On Sunday, I didn't need to be at church until the 11:00 Mass. I am an early riser, even when I don't have to be, so I decided to get started on the next read for our new Spiritual Book Club. I made my coffee, then pulled the book out of the box I had just received from Amazon. Apparently this whole idea about boats really is the direction I am supposed to be headed in!

Honestly, I'm still not sure exactly what it is I am supposed to be thinking about. I'm really not sure how I should even begin to start answering that question; what's in your boat? Am I looking for an answer as to what I want in there, or what I need to get rid of and leave behind? How does that relate to asking for the graces of courage and generosity? As I mentioned in the previous post, I believe I am being lead somewhere important. God's sense of humor is just the beginning of a journey in my boat that could end up either storm tossed or on a placid sea. Either way, I guess it's where He wants me to be. I just hope I don't get too seasick along the way!

Boats, Courage, Generosity..... Just where am I heading now?

A few days ago, I had my latest appointment for spiritual direction. The meeting was insightful as usual, but in a different sort of way. I talked about my feeling of being drawn to cultivating community, to broadening friendships and relationships, and how integral the life of my parish of Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton was becoming to my own.

Instead of an entire chapter in a particular book of the Bible to ponder and study until the next meeting, I was given only 12 verses (Matthew 14:22-33 to be exact). This is the familiar story of Jesus walking across the water, and Peter giving it a try, but failing out of fear. I was challenged to think about what's in my boat, and to pray for the "double graces" of courage and generosity. As I left, I didn't really think too much about what my pondering, thinking, reading, praying, etc. was going to look like in the coming weeks. (Little did I know that God's "sense of humor" was going to begin showing itself the very next day!)

Over the last few days in particular, I have begun to realize that this "assignment" is going to take a lot more work than it seemed on the surface. I decided that the best thing to do would be to get as much down in writing as I can to try to keep things connected and at least somewhat organized. I should have started sooner, but hindsight is always 20-20! Thoughts and events are happening already that I believe are leading me somewhere important. I have a feeling that what I may learn about myself is going to be more detailed and deeper than any of the previous meditations. I'm far from knowing whether it will be something small and quiet, or big and bold. Either way, I am looking forward to finding out! It hasn't even been underway for a week yet, but it is already becoming quite an interesting trip! Stay tuned if you're interested - I'm due for one of those "nights that become mornings" soon, which will give me lots of time to blog!

Somewhere, Over the Rainbow...

This past weekend, I had the joy of attending my Godson's acting debut. Collin played a Munchkin in The Wizard of Oz at Lancaster Catholic High School. 

I've known his family forever! His grandparents are Godparents to both of my sons. His mommy and daddy are like my own children. His little brothers round out the family, and are a joy to behold as well. I am so blessed to have them in my life!

My Glimpse of Grace this week so far.... just check out these photos! My easiest post so far!

Not sure just what he was thinking here!

The sweetest little moment after the show.

Ryan was a little clingy - so meet "Daddy Jim"

Logan is a 6 month old darling.

When My Nights Become My Mornings

At least 3 or 4 times a month, I find myself wide awake and unable to sleep. My nights creep by and eventually just become my mornings. Not long ago, I would be upset and extremely frustrated when I felt this "event" begin to happen - I can always sense them coming you see. Now however, I have learned to embrace them.  I spend the time in quiet contemplation, meditation, and prayer. I sometimes do other things at the same time, like clearing off my desk or blogging!  I can ponder and think through situations at the same time - a double blessing!

Just yesterday, my night became my morning for the first time this month. During those late hours of last night and early hours of today, I had three very particular prayer intentions to focus on. There were three people who each play a very important part in my life that I knew needed prayer, each of them for a very different reason. Two of them had not specifically asked for my prayer, but they got it anyway!

I actually had 3 glimpses of grace today. Each of those people called me this afternoon. Two of them shared with me the way in which the problem they had been facing was being solved! The solutions have not yet been completely finalized, but are well underway! I let them know about my "night becoming morning," and reminded them of something I always say when I know the real reason for the gift they have received. It was a great feeling to hear them both say - "I know...." before the reminder was even completely spoken. The third phone call was less specific, but the caller sounded much less stressed, and stated that it had been a good day.

When I hung up from that third call, I began to realize the gifts I had received by praying for each of them. Grace had come over me during those hours of quiet, and returned again later today in those three phone calls. I had the privilege of praying for three people who play very important roles in the life of the person I am becoming. Their responses to me were beautiful spiritual gifts. It almost makes me look forward to the next time my night becomes my morning - but hopefully only after I've had at least one good night's sleep!

Cultivating Community (compost included!)

For several weeks now, actually since the beginning of Lent, I have been slowly working my way through Jeremiah 29. This book contains a well known verse, one which is actually on the cover of a journal a dear friend gave to me as a Christmas gift. It is verse 11, and goes like this - "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope." I have been slowly finding that there is so much more to this particular book than just that familiar verse.

As I have been reading and contemplating its' meaning, I have been drawn to a variety of thoughts and ideas, (and so far I have only made it to the end of verse 19). God has sent his people into exile, with instructions on what to do while they are there. He asks the people to plant gardens and eat their fruits, and to increase in number. The verse that I have been reflecting on this week is number 7 - "Promote the welfare of the city to which I have exiled you; pray for it to the Lord, for upon its welfare depends your own." 

We need to cultivate a life of dignity and devotion in the city in which we find ourselves right now, in this present moment. Our families, our neighborhoods, our workplaces, even our churches. Our life, our welfare depends on the strength of the city in which we are serving our "exile" here on earth. The community in which we find ourselves needs to be a flourishing one. It is a community that, just like my gardens, need to be nurtured and cultivated.

This week I have spent time with a group of fellow exiles. We have grown together in friendship as we have gathered to learn more about our faith. We have shared stories of our lives, our struggles, our fears, our joys. We are beginning to know each other more deeply, and are cultivating a flourishing little city of God. We come from different geographic communities, but are united in one faith community. We are learning to accept that while we may only be able to do small things, we can do them well to help that community grow. 

I am so glad to have a part in cultivating this community. My strength, my personal growth, my sense of peace comes from the support of this community. So, while I am cultivating (and composting) my gardens in the next few weeks, I will be working at cultivating a thriving faith community as well. For upon its welfare depends my own!

 

From the Windowsill

It is finally one of my favorite times in the year - Spring has arrived! A bit later than usual, but here just the same. I absolutely love having the windows open! The fresh air, the sound of the birds singing, the sun filtering through the curtains all have a way of refreshing and energizing my soul for the day ahead. This morning, I was able to spend my time reading and praying in front of one of these open windows. It was then that I realized "someone" else in the house was sharing my joy.

My son's cat - Jasmine - seems to love open windows as much as I do (perhaps even more!) Once she had her obligatory treat and morning attention from me, she spent quite a bit of time moving from room to room looking for the open windows. Jasmine went from the back of the couch, to her official perch attached to my small office window, to the windowsill in my bedroom. She finally decided to linger on this one. As I finished getting ready for my day, I thought about how content she seemed to be. She watched the birds flitting between the pines in the yard, and paid no attention to my activity. Her tail flicked slowly back and forth, and she seemed to just be watching, enjoying, taking in the beauty of the morning.

In a recent conversation with my spiritual director, I talked about how my morning routine was being interrupted. I had been getting up extra early (5:00), and even looked at the fact that I could function all day and not become tired as a particular grace that I had been granted. But soon, things began to get in the way. The early morning became a rush to get through my reading, my prayers, my quiet meditation, before it could all be disturbed. My special time alone had become a source of stress, not peace. It was suggested that I change the routine, start my "alone time" later in the morning. Perhaps, I was told, I should not try to get to work so early, as had been my routine. Perhaps, I was told, God was trying to tell me that everything would still be there for me to do, whether I arrived at 7:00 or at 8:00. 

I began changing my routine the very next morning, and found that special peace again! The house is quiet and calm. I no longer feel the need to rush off to work (and yes, the building is still standing when I arrive at 8:00 instead of 7:00), and I am much better prepared to face my day. So this morning, I spent some extra time enjoying the world from my windowsill (one I wasn't sharing with Jasmine). The slight breeze is still blowing, the birds are still singing, the sun is still filtering through the curtains. God has spoken to the quiet of my heart, and given me my strength for the day. I have spent time in quiet with my dear Friend, and know that He has enjoyed my company as well.

As for Jasmine, she has already moved on to her spot by the sliding door downstairs.

God's "Bazinga"

I had planned to start my "official" blog with a review of things that have transpired, in an orderly fashion, to bring about a change that is still working in my life. I wanted to define the word grace, and list chronologically the events, the meetings, the "coincidences" that have been a part of what I had termed my "Glimpses of Grace." My plan was to pull out all of the little scraps of paper that I started writing on over a year ago, to find the notes in my mediation books, to relate how people entered my life at certain points to make a difference. But, God had other plans for me today! So - out of order, not in the way that I had intended at all - here is my first "official blog post."

BAZINGA - The Urban Dictionary defines this word as "a catchy phrase to accompany your clever pranks." It is an overused word made popular by one of my favorite TV shows (I really only watch 1 or 2 with any regularity, and Big Bang Theory is one of those). Today, I experienced God's bazinga!

I am someone who normally has a calendar of events organized fairly far into the future. There are, after all, only a few things that I particularly look so forward to that everything else gets put aside - a visit from my kids being the most special! Recently, things that I have really been looking forward to have been attempting to become part of that calendar - only to find the space already taken because someone else needs me to be somewhere, or do something for them. Now please understand, that I do not mind in the least doing for others. It has always been a natural part of who I am, and I very rarely feel myself inconvenienced or put upon.

I found myself quite sullen this past week - thinking, why can't I do what I want?  I try hard to be a good person, why won't the things I want to do just plain work out for me? When do I get to do things just for me? As I finished my morning prayer, sulking despite it, I decided to email my spiritual director. My plan was to gather my thoughts, and send a detailed email asking for some "online direction." My mood was quickly returning to a darkened place that I have been to many times, and really like to avoid! What happened this afternoon - before I could send that particular email - was my "Glimpse of Grace" for today!

My sulking this morning went this way:
(names have been ****ed  to protect the innocent!)

I can't do Divine Mercy Sunday because ***** needs me in ***** this weekend.

I can't do School of Leaders next Saturday because ***** needs me to see him in *****.

I can't spend time with ****** next weekend either because ***** needs me to be at another event.

I can't be at the first "Grace Uncorked" event in May because ***** needs me to be in NJ that weekend.

Now, I subscribe to a service called Daily Catholic Quotes. It is emailed out every morning, but for some reason today's came this afternoon. It is a quote from Saint Martin de Tours (which happens to be the name of the church my son and his wife were married in almost 2 years ago!) Here is today's quote -

"Lord, if your people need me, I will not refuse the work. Your will be done."

And God should have just added - BAZINGA! Needless to say, my spiritual director got off easy!

And so it begins...finally, sort of!

More than a year ago, I found myself in a very dark place. Events had unfolded in my life that were not particularly new. Things were said that had been said before and ignored. However, this time they struck me in a very personal, physical, and emotional way. This time, I just couldn't let things go, just couldn't ignore the pain. This time it was real, and scary. It was as if my world had been turned upside down. There was an anger within me that I had not felt before; a feeling of unforgiving that I was not willing to move beyond. Things didn't make sense, and it seemed as if every day brought more doubts, confusion and pain. 

As the days passed, my situation did not seem to change. What I felt I believed in was no longer real or meaningful to me. What I thought to be an anchor in a storm was now drifting with some uncontrollable tide, and carrying me right along with it. Weeks of confusion, searching, and questioning turned into months. I put on the best face that I could, and tried to move forward. It seemed that I had entered my own personal "dark night of the soul."

My journey out of this dark night (now you know which way I'm headed) has been underway for a little more than a year now. But, I once again find myself unable to sleep, and thinking about how to spend some of the late night hours that have just become early morning ones! What better way to spend this time than by finally starting the blog I had set up near the beginning of my way back into the light. 

So here is my introduction; my "toe dip" into sharing my personal thoughts and ramblings with anyone in the world who chooses to read them. I can't guarantee that they will be amazing, insightful or meaningful to anyone else. But I know they will be mine.