Last week, I made the decision (on the advice of a friend)
to step away from the boat meditation. In doing so, I also decided to step back
from other things as well. I have been spending time taking a long look at the
overall picture, and thinking even more about those patterns of consolation and
desolation this friend had asked me to revisit. There is much that I have begun
to see; much that I suspect was always there, but I overlooked. Perhaps I was
too focused on the details, too busy analyzing the messages as I mentioned in
the previous post. Or perhaps, I just didn’t need to see it until now!
I decided to limit the amount of my reading to just those
items that seemed to be drawing my attention - the ones I needed to be reading.
I continued with my daily Sacred Space meditation book, and the reading for the
Faith Matters class at church (Consoling the Heart of Jesus, by Father Michael
Gaitley). I also briefly started the reading for the next Spiritual Book Club
meeting in June (No Man Is An Island, by Thomas Merton) - which will eventually
take up several blog entries on its own (I haven’t even made it past the first
chapter yet!)
There were several themes that have been running through all of these
readings. I am trying very hard not to analyze the connections, to just step
away and let them happen - and to see where they might be leading me. The
subject of this particular blog; and most likely the next several to come; is one of these themes - the idea of need.
I have always seemed to be in a position of being needed. I’m
sure it comes from the fact that I am the oldest of 7 children, a wife and mother, and an elementary
teacher by trade. It has been a source of blessing as well as frustration
(consolation and desolation). It has helped me to thrive and grow, but has also
caused me to sometimes become overwhelmed by responsibilities. Being the one whom others can count on, rely on, and come to,
has always been a very natural part of who I am. I am a “people oriented person”
who finds joy in doing things for others.
In looking at the patterns of events in which someone has needed
me, both recently (see post God's Bazinga!) and over the past few years, I began to see much of this as definite consolation. A sense of peace, of
fulfillment, of pleasure; in being able to help solve a problem, make a
situation better, provide relief or simply offer friendship. It was more than
just a “warm fuzzy,” but was in fact a sense of true joy that continues to grow
each time I encounter one of these situations.
Then I began to look at those circumstances that did not
give me that same sense of joy. These were more of a chore, a task, something I
found myself trying hard to avoid. When I looked more closely, I found that
what I had thought was someone needing me, was not really that at all! It was
me deciding that I was needed - to change a situation, to make something better,
to solve a problem; all of course what I thought was for the best.
In using the principles of consolation
and desolation, I have been able to begin to see how parts of my life; events,
circumstances, interactions; fit into those two very distinct categories. In looking
at things in this way, I am hoping to allow myself to be led to those things
that I am truly needed to do; being able to help solve a problem, make a
situation better, provide relief or simply offer friendship. It is then that I
will hopefully be further along on my journey toward finding out what God is trying
to do with my life - using me in the way He needs to, and not the other way around.
There is so much more to come - I really do need to blog more often! Perhaps what is needed is another one of my nights that become my mornings. Funny how I actually look forward to those now!
